The Sheer Genius of Sheared Gnus

The difference between "sheared" and "shorn" is subtly insane. A sheep is sheared. A man's hair is shorn.

The shorn locks fall to the floor.
The sheared wool falls to the floor.

Unless the locks are sheer, in which the sheer, shorn locks fall to the floor. If the wool is sheer, it is still sheared, for sure.

Don't get me started on shoeshine from Poland, because if I dab Polish polish onto sheer sheared wool and streak it through my sheer, shorn hair, call the police, unless they are Polish. They'll polish me off.

Hey! What about the gnu? Not much, what's gnu with you?

Note: When teaching English as a second language, I recommend saving this lesson for last.

Where the Troll Goes When the Troll's Not Here

Everyday I write the book.

Rejection is Good

I rarely repeat myself, but I'm going to here:

I don't look at the fiction submission process as an interview where I am the candidate. I think of it as an editor search. An agent/editor is a book's first consumer. Write the right book and find the right first consumer and they'll be best positioned to match the book with a like-minded audience. A query letter isn't a "please love me" note - it is a ruthless way of culling out all the wrong people who aren't a good match for your stuff.

So, getting a lot of rejections doesn't mean you are a lousy writer, it means you are cutthroat and specific. You know what you are looking for, and you have the pile of rejected editors and agents to show for it.

Quick "no's" are critical. It's what the potential readers do all the time.

Agents/editors aren't evaluating you, you are evaluating them. You've got to rip through as many of them as you can in order to unearth the right one. Rejections are good.

Quick rejections are better.

Shut Up and Write You Stupid Writers

Okay, maybe the post title is my own creation, but the inspiration is all Mike Duran.

Now, my posterior is far wide enough to sit comfortably on both sides of the fence on just about any issue, which, according to one of Martin Luther's Lectures on Genesis*, makes me a drunk.

*I think. Don't quote my source, as my memory is addled.

Write Justified

Writers spend a lot of time justifying their own existence, mostly to themselves.* A lot of work goes into defending art, and the art of writing, in particular, demonstrating the practical benefits of writing, and the importance that reading holds for the culture.

Many high-faluting** words later, and the writer is in no better standing.

As it should be.

Because writing isn't important. It isn't a signficant contribution to society, regardless of the 15-second soundbite paid to its importance once a year during the Academy Award ceremony.

And that's how I like it. Whether we are firing off an opinionated missive, or finalizing a draft of the Great Armenian Novel,*** I think the most important goal an author can have is to be the least in the Kingdom.

May your writing bear fruit that nourishes. But be happy to finish in last place. That's where the best work happens.

*Mostly because no one else is listening to them.

**Yes, how random of me to rescue the "-in'" suffix from colloquial purgatory while living in place the bastardization of the "highflight" root from which "highfalutin'" stems. I'm a messy rescuer.

***Because, really there hasn't been a huge number of great works out of Armenia since Tmpgaperti Aroume, and everybody and his dog has written the Great American one.

Decanal Adjectives of Majestic Authority

These days, adjectives (and their even more despised kin, adverbs) are as unwelcome as a barnacle on a beauty queen.

Some of this has to do with the prejudice of an increasingly ignorant readership. That's right, I said it again: humans are stupider about words than they used to be. [Way smarter about pictures, though, but don't tell them I said so.]

Some of this has to do with the prejudice of an increasingly prickly batch of publishers who have seen far more adjective abuse than any creature ever should.

Adjectives are easy to strike. Their presence doesn't technically change the objective meaning of a sentence.

But they shouldn't be carelessly expelled. Wouldn't it be great if writers could still get away with absolutely brilliant prose like:

It was truly an awful moment; with terror in that ancient and accursed house itself, four monstrous sets of fragments-two from the house and two from the well-in the woodshed behind, and that shaft of unknown and unholy iridescence from the slimy depths in front.

~H.P. Lovecraft - The Colour Out of Space

I say bury 'em in adjectives. It'll at least give the copy editor something to do.

Opening Line of a Novel - Important or Just Crucial? You Decide!

Dale James Arceneaux has a lively post on how to stage a good opening for a novel. I disagree with him slightly, in that I believe that the opening for Demon: A Memoir is actually perfect, not just okay.*

As for me, I'm a hundred pager. If I make it to page 100 and am not yet engaged in story, I'll put it down for good. I also realize that I am not the droid that Penguin is looking for.

*The line is this: "It was raining the night he found me." It works because ostensibly, we are reading a memoir. In eight words, Tosca tells us that this is a biography of a man who is sought under unfriendly conditions, that the story is about a relationship between two people who are not intimate with each other, but needful, and that our hero is hiding from something. If you can say that compellingly in less space, I'd love to see it. The paragraph that it introduced is haunting and tense.

In short, the devil had me at "Hello."

Writing Humorous Fantasy

Jim C. Hines has a great guest post at Writer's Plot on humoring right fantasies, or something like that.

[P.S. - Jim's other ramblings can be found at his livejournal site.]

A Writer's Plague: E.E. Knight's Formula for Madness

First three sentences.

That sounds about right.

Powerful Words for Good Little Authors to Avoid at All Costs

CBA authors and pretenders to the throne: ever wonder exactly which word it was that got your manuscript sent back for revisions?

Wonder no more: Seven angels, three kids, one family has a behind the scenes look at the infamous CBA word committee.

[And to The Writer's Cafe Press, my hat is tipping your direction. I assure you it is an accident.]

Really Real Writing Advice that the Scientologists Don't Want You to Know

Stephen Granade gets to the brass tacks about the writing life.

Then proceeds to drive them into the flesh with a nuclear-powered hammer (the Sarcasto-8000, if I'm not mistaken.)*

I love the Live Granades. They are random AND purposeful, in a sort of straight-shootin' aimless way.

*Of course, it also gives my top-secret writing disinformation campaign an air of legitimacy that it lacked before.

...By Any Other Name Tastes Like Chicken

Lost Genre Guild popped off about novel titles today, so I thought I'd do my public service and offer up, free of charge to any human foolhardy enough to steal them from me, some of my all time favorite book titles that have not yet been used:

Barfing Giants

Clavicle Marrow

Wuthering Smashy-smash

Bloat in the Afternoon

The Introverted Warlord

I've got this title-marketing thing down. And bleeding.

Secular versus Christian, or Apples versus Oranges: Smackdown

The invaluable Lost Genre Guild has a post up about the monolithic acronymns in Christ-centered bookselling: the ABA, the CBA and the ECPA. In Secular vs. Christian? Sue Dent and Cynthia MacKinnon try to expose the breadth of publishing options open to Christian writers of the strange.

I seem to recall a journal posting by Ted Dekker about the emerging culture and how the line between secular and Christian is arbitrary. Christians both engage and contribute to the culture, or at least they should. Can one understand the culture without falling into sin? Can one address the culture without cloistering?

Yes. If you can let go of rumor and assumption and embrace Christ alone, you can.

The Map Ends. Then Does a Bit About Timmy and A Well.

Jeff Gerke at Where The Map Ends is a writer's writer's, uh, editor...thingy.* He's funny and smart and experienced and, uh, funny, too.

He has a great writing commandment today, too. Tip #62** - Go, and don't do likewise.

*I wroted that all by my self. Because I'm very good at the putting words together and making them sound right thing.

**What is it with these young writers today and their metrosexual "Writing Tips?" When I was a boy, all the great writers dispensed writing Laws, by God, and we liked it. "Show, Don't Tell." "Never end a sentence with a preposition." "Adverbs are for communist weaklings." "Consonants are not your friend."

Today, we've got all these kinder, gentler "Writing Tips," like "As a writer, you are totally free to write whatever you feel, in any way you so choose, but if I might offer this little tip, for you to reject or accept at any level you so desire, I would just say that you might want to move the skull explosion scene from the author's dedication to a more climactic part of the 900-page novel. Perhaps the prologue?"