Robots Welcome, Humans Not

I've had a little trouble lately with humans coming to visit my internet home. I know that it shouldn't bother me in the least: I'm nearly eight feet tall and half as wide, and otherwise reasonably able to defend myself (reasonably able to offend myself, too.)

But it does. Humans, with their small, delicate ways, their charm-laden, soft tones, their scarecrow lightness and thoughtful expressions are not to be trusted. Their culture is fast: their minds ablur and their smiles shoot out knives and burning stars.

I'm troll enough* to admit that, yes, I have some trouble with these humans and their condition.

I'm much more amenable to Internet robots, spiders and their pet spams. These Internet humans...that's a different thing.

So if you come here, try to slip past. I snore loudly and sleep hard and often, so it shouldn't be too difficult. If I do find you, I may leap on to a stool, screaming and clutching my skir--I mean launch a mind-bogglingly threatening defense of my homecave and shoats.

On the other hand, spam messages, of course, will be treated like family.

*You know what? I haven't used an asterisk in a very long time.