The History Channel Trick

In an age that unworships at the non-altar of the relative experience, I recommend co-opting a trick perfected by the History Channel, both for some of their more standard history programs and their whack-a-doo pseudohistory programs, such as the "prophecies" of mystics, or the alien origins of the pyramids, or alien ghost autopsies, or whatever.

It is five magic words:

"There are those who say..."

Throw these in any time you would like to make an outrageous claim without any footing. It will sound authoritative and mildly suggestive that those who disagree will find themselves in an impossible situation.

Unsolicited Advice for the Zeus of Political Mythology

One more political statement, and then I'll have completed my entire campaign for County Coroner/Dog Catcher.

Accusing someone of "just speaking from the Democratic/Republican (or other)" talking points is not debate. Maybe the talking points are brilliant. Maybe the person believes the point they are making. Maybe the opponent is right. Those talking points have been researched, crafted and vetted for a reason. If there is a flaw in them, expose the flaw.

Like it or not, talking points are, generally, substantial arguments. Calling arguments talking points is a way to avoid debate, not to engage in one.

Accusing someone of a rhetorical fallacy is, often, a rhetorical fallacy. Everyone on the internet has "strawman" "ad hominem" "post hoc" "appeal to authority" and all the rest memorized, or at least bookmarked.

Listen to what your opponent is meaning. Stop looking for loopholes to give yourself a technical fall.

Persuasion is an art. Don't do it by numbers.

Those are my talking points.

I ate a helicopter. Sorry.

Note to self: if you are going to grill a hot dog, wrap it in bacon, bury it in cheese cubes, pour chili over it, top it with shredded cheese and sour cream, do not wrap it in a spaghetti taco.

Sounding good in theory is not the same thing as feeling good in belly.

Tasty though.

How to Be Normal

I'm sure you've been wondering how I became such a normal, upstanding Troll in the eyes of my peers.

Easy. I suggest taking the following steps with a daily religious devotion:

1) Wake up.
2) Do not punch anything or anyone.
3) Eat breakfast with a utensil.
4) Walk, don't skip, to work or to vehicular transport to work.
5) If wearing fedora or dickie, remove fedora or dickie before entering place of employment.
6) Say "hello" or "good morning" to colleagues, not "hail and well met" or "you are still ugly."
7) Roller skates are for wearing on the feet, not for licking or hurling at superiors.
8) Swordfights okay ONLY during smoking breaks.
9) Smoking breaks occur five stories down, outside in the fresh winter air/spring thundershowers, on the train tracks three blocks away, and involve cigarettes, not memorial pyres.
10) Gelatin is included in the food pyramid. This status should be accepted, not grounds for the blunt-force unconsciousness of the cafeteria supervisor.
11) Wear pants mostly.
12) Making eye contact should in no way involve your thumb.

These twelve steps should enable you to make the smooth transition from awkward social outcast to normal, normal, normal, super normal creature.

It works for me.